Back In Time

I know there are times when I know in my heart I was someone else or there is someone out there in another time and place that is me.  I sit here in the garden and I am feeling alone but I'm not.  I have thoughts that another person is thinking beautiful thoughts.  I smell the fresh bloomed roses and the gardenia's.  I know in the future there will be a young girl and she will have thoughts like mine and for all I know it is now for her as well as me.
I was always the pick in my family, my Daddy would always pay special attention to me.   I guess when you have four boys and a girl comes along, she is special. I never suffered for attention, yet I was lonely most of the time.  We live in a huge house with many rooms in it, and if you like, you could be lost for hours, just strolling through the garden.  My Daddy built a special place for me to play, a huge swing that hung from the largest tree in the garden and I could see the house from the swing.  I sat for hours sometimes just thinking of what my future was going to be like, as a child I think I grew up before my time. 

My brother's were always out doing something.  They were hard workers even though they didn't have to.  We had servants but they insisted on doing for themselves.  Maybe there is something I don't know about, it seems as if something is missing in my life.  A part of me somewhere out there.  I think I day dream too much but when you don't have a Mother to help you that's what you do. 

The night I was born there were mid-wives and servants.   There was a lot of confusion.  My Mom had a terrible time and she only lived a few weeks after I was born.  There are pictures of her everywhere so we will never forget her beauty.  I stare sometimes for hours at her, looking deeper and deeper into her eyes.  It's like she's trying to tell me something but I can't get it.
One night I couldn't sleep.  I wondered through the hallways thinking I heard something.  It was my Father and another man in the library talking.  I went closer and was going in then I heard it, my Father shouted what do you mean two, what do you mean, after all these years you come to me.  I quietly sneaked back up stairs wondering what he meant.
My dreams became more frequent, someone calling me someone pulling at me.  I could not eat or sleep and then I became ill.  My Father called the best doctor he knew.  The doctor said it was exhaustion from not getting any rest, he said I needed someone different to talk to, a physician that could go a little deeper into the problem.  My Dad talked to me and ask and I told him I felt like someone was inside my head, someone needed  me. He hung his head and the look on his face was so strange, he got up and walked out the door.  I was only thirteen and didn't understand all there was to understand, I just knew I had a problem.  

After that, a few days had went by and my Father had to go on a trip and he said as soon as he got back we would have a talk. It seemed as if the weeks went by so slow. I was feeling a little better.  The only time I had peace was when I was in the garden, in the swing, there was peace.  I feel as if maybe my Mother was in the garden watching over me.  Then it happen, my Father came home and he called me to his side. 

He explained to me the night I was born there were two babies and the other baby was taken away by one of the servants, they did not think she would live so they took her away to save my Mother from the pain of losing a baby. It seems as if the baby lived and the servant became attached and would not give up the child.  We had even been named alike.  Her name was Amanda Beth and mine was Miranda Beth.  It was like the day would come and we would be together.   The meeting the other night was between the man that had married the servant and my Father.  He wanted money for the return of my sister whom I had never seen.  The woman had passed away and he couldn't take care of the child so he wanted money to return her. 

I didn't know how to feel, was this the thing I had been feeling, did she need me, had she been crying out for me as I had been for her?  My Father had gone to the police and he was in the process of getting her.  It would take a few days to get things fixed up.  The man was very nice but needed help with his life and knew of no other way to do it but ask for help.

Knowing my Father was rich.  He had meant no harm and loved my sister very much, but he said she had been sick lately and having nightmares and going into deep depression and he could not afford the doctors to take care of her.  Before his wife had died, she told him the whole story.  I didn't know what to feel.  I was so excited yet I didn't know, is this the answer to all my problems?  Is this what my Mother had been trying to tell me all this time? 

The next few days turned into weeks and I was wanting to see her so bad, it was like a hunger inside of me to be complete.  Then it happened my Father was on his way home and had her with him , I know it was an exciting moment also for him.  I was in for quite a shock, they pulled up in the carriage and as she got out it was like I was looking into a mirror, such a peace came over me like I had not felt in years.  We looked into each others eyes and knew.  She ran to me and we hugged, then the first thing I said was come with me, I want you to meet our Mother.  I took her to the garden.

We sat and talk and looked at the flowers, but for some reason I did not feel the presence of Mother.  It was like it was okay now, like I was complete and didn't need her anymore.  My sister and I never had nightmares again we knew we had each other out there somewhere.  She told me the stories of how she felt like I did, like someone was in her head and she was having thoughts that were not hers.  It was like we had known each other all along. 

We came back to the house and I took her through, showing her pictures of our Mother and it seemed as if there was a smile upon her face that had not been there before.  We spent a lot of time in the garden and she loved to swing and to sing, all the things I loved, she loved also.  Finally my life was complete.

By Harriett Dash 2001    Home