there are times when I know in my heart I was someone else or there is
someone out there in another time and place that is me. I sit here
in the garden and I am feeling alone but I'm not. I have thoughts
that another person is thinking beautiful thoughts. I smell the
fresh bloomed roses and the gardenia's. I know in the future there
will be a young girl and she will have thoughts like mine and for all I
know it is now for her as well as me.
I was always the pick in my family, my Daddy would always pay special
attention to me. I guess when you have four boys and a girl
comes along, she is special. I never suffered for attention, yet I was
lonely most of the time. We live in a huge house with many rooms in
it, and if you like, you could be lost for hours, just strolling through
the garden. My Daddy built a special place for me to play, a huge
swing that hung from the largest tree in the garden and I could see the
house from the swing. I sat for hours sometimes just thinking of
what my future was going to be like, as a child I think I grew up before
brother's were always out doing something. They were hard workers
even though they didn't have to. We had servants but they insisted
on doing for themselves. Maybe there is something I don't know
about, it seems as if something is missing in my life. A part of me
somewhere out there. I think I day dream too much but when you don't
have a Mother to help you that's what you do.
night I was born there were mid-wives and servants. There was
a lot of confusion. My Mom had a terrible time and she only lived a
few weeks after I was born. There are pictures of her everywhere so
we will never forget her beauty. I stare sometimes for hours at her,
looking deeper and deeper into her eyes. It's like she's trying to
tell me something but I can't get it.
One night I couldn't sleep. I wondered through the hallways thinking
I heard something. It was my Father and another man in the library
talking. I went closer and was going in then I heard it, my Father
shouted what do you mean two, what do you mean, after all these years you
come to me. I quietly sneaked back up stairs wondering what he
My dreams became more frequent, someone calling me someone pulling at me.
I could not eat or sleep and then I became ill. My Father called the
best doctor he knew. The doctor said it was exhaustion from not
getting any rest, he said I needed someone different to talk to, a
physician that could go a little deeper into the problem. My Dad
talked to me and ask and I told him I felt like someone was inside my
head, someone needed me. He hung his head and the look on his face
was so strange, he got up and walked out the door. I was only
thirteen and didn't understand all there was to understand, I just knew I
had a problem.
that, a few days had went by and my Father had to go on a trip and he said
as soon as he got back we would have a talk. It seemed as if the weeks
went by so slow. I was feeling a little better. The only time I had
peace was when I was in the garden, in the swing, there was peace. I
feel as if maybe my Mother was in the garden watching over me. Then
it happen, my Father came home and he called me to his side.
explained to me the night I was born there were two babies and the other
baby was taken away by one of the servants, they did not think she would
live so they took her away to save my Mother from the pain of losing a
baby. It seems as if the baby lived and the servant became attached and
would not give up the child. We had even been named alike. Her
name was Amanda Beth and mine was Miranda Beth. It was like the day
would come and we would be together. The meeting the other
night was between the man that had married the servant and my Father.
He wanted money for the return of my sister whom I had never seen.
The woman had passed away and he couldn't take care of the child so he
wanted money to return her.
didn't know how to feel, was this the thing I had been feeling, did she
need me, had she been crying out for me as I had been for her? My
Father had gone to the police and he was in the process of getting her.
It would take a few days to get things fixed up. The man was very
nice but needed help with his life and knew of no other way to do it but
ask for help.
Knowing my Father was rich. He had meant no harm and loved my sister
very much, but he said she had been sick lately and having nightmares and
going into deep depression and he could not afford the doctors to take
care of her. Before his wife had died, she told him the whole story.
I didn't know what to feel. I was so excited yet I didn't know, is
this the answer to all my problems? Is this what my Mother had been
trying to tell me all this time?
next few days turned into weeks and I was wanting to see her so bad, it
was like a hunger inside of me to be complete. Then it happened my
Father was on his way home and had her with him , I know it was an
exciting moment also for him. I was in for quite a shock, they
pulled up in the carriage and as she got out it was like I was looking
into a mirror, such a peace came over me like I had not felt in years.
We looked into each others eyes and knew. She ran to me and we
hugged, then the first thing I said was come with me, I want you to meet
our Mother. I took her to the garden.
and talk and looked at the flowers, but for some reason I did not feel the
presence of Mother. It was like it was okay now, like I was complete
and didn't need her anymore. My sister and I never had nightmares
again we knew we had each other out there somewhere. She told me the
stories of how she felt like I did, like someone was in her head and she
was having thoughts that were not hers. It was like we had known
each other all along.
came back to the house and I took her through, showing her pictures of our
Mother and it seemed as if there was a smile upon her face that had not
been there before. We spent a lot of time in the garden and she
loved to swing and to sing, all the things I loved, she loved also.
Finally my life was complete.
© By Harriett Dash 2001